1. “I might join you later” – Meaning: I’m not leaving the house today unless it’s on fire.

2. “Excuse me, sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: You have three seconds to move your bag before I end you.

3. “Not to worry” – Translation: I will never forget this.

4. Saying sorry as a way of introducing yourself.

5. “Bit wet out there” – You’re going to need a snorkel because it’s absolutely pissing it down.

6. Ending an email with “Thanks” as a warning that you’re perilously close to losing your temper.

7. “Right then, I suppose I really should start thinking about possibly making a move”
Translation: “Bye”.

8. “It’s fine” – Meaning: It really could not possibly get any worse, but no doubt it will do.

9. “Perfect” – Translation: Well that’s that ruined then.

10. “A bit of a pickle” – Translation: A catastrophically bad situation with potentially fatal consequences.

11. “Not too bad, actually” – Translation: I’m probably the happiest I’ve ever been.

12. “Honestly, it doesn’t matter” – Meaning: Nothing has ever mattered more than this.

13. “You’ve caught the sun” – Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano.

14. “That’s certainly one way of looking at it”
Translation: That’s certainly the wrong way of looking at it

15. Saying “I have the 5p if it helps?” and never being quite sure if it helps.